Ashley Floyd, LMFT
What is Self-Care?
Before we can dig into what exactly sexual self-care is, we must have a shared understanding of what self-care itself is. To put it incredibly simply, self-care is whatever you do to take care of yourself.
Uh… duh? you say.
To which I say, have you really thought about what that means, to care for yourself? Because a lot of times, people think self-care is going for a walk and taking bubble baths. And, to be fair, sometimes it is, but it is also so much more than that.
Caring for yourself also includes making sure you’re drinking enough water, deciding to call a friend when you’re feeling lonely, setting boundaries even when it’s difficult, and addressing your physical and mental health needs. It’s like taking care of a small child, or a plant, if you prefer. What are its base-level needs? What does it need to flourish and grow? What can you provide to help with that? You’re basically like your own complicated Tamagotchi.
Sexual Self-Care
So, if self-care is caring for ourselves in all ways, what is sexual self-care? Well, taking care of your sexual self of course.
Uh… duh, you say again.
To which I say, okay hold on, there's more.
Sexual self-care asks what does your sexual self need to be okay at baseline? What does your sexual self need to thrive? What can you do to encourage your sexual self to be present, authentic, and happy?
This will look different for EVERYONE. What your sexual self needs and wants is going to be personal to you. You may not even resonate with the idea of having a sexual self, instead feeling more attuned to a sensual or erotic self - or none of the above! Take the suggestions below as starting points for thinking about this concept, and tailor them as needed.
Base-Level Sexual Self-Care
We want to make sure that your sexual self is feeling good on a base level. This means addressing any physical pain or discomfort you feel around sex. This may include seeing a doctor or a sex therapist or figuring out ways to engage in sex that aren’t painful for you. You can take care of your sexual self by making sure you are not in pain - unless, of course, pain is part of your pleasure!
Hygiene and regular showers are another important part of caring for your sexual self on a base level. It is important to note here, though, that vulva-owners don’t need to go beyond washing the external genitals with soapy water, as the vagina itself will self-clean. If you are noticing a significant change in discharge or smell, be sure to see your doctor. And, speaking of, getting the recommended exams and STI screenings is another great way to care for your sexual self.
Making sure you're hydrated and fueled up is another way to care for your self and your sexual self. It may seem simple, but that's because it's foundational. Caring for your sexual self includes taking care of your base-level needs.
Emotion-Level Sexual Self-Care
This type of self-care, sexual and otherwise, usually requires more work as it typically requires you to get uncomfortable. As it relates to sexual self-care specifically, emotion-level self-care may include addressing feelings of shame around sex and sexuality (see the post Sex and Shame for more), healing from trauma, communicating with your partner(s) about your wants and needs (How to Talk About S-E-X walks through this), setting boundaries and saying no, or letting yourself say yes.
Your sexual self can’t be free and authentic when it is holding on to shame, anxiety, and fear. Care for yourself by doing the hard work needed for your sexual self to heal.
Spiritual-Level Sexual Self-Care
Spiritual sexual self-care is where life feels yummy to me. It involves tapping in to whatever form of spirituality you ascribe to in order to give greater meaning to your sexual experiences (be they alone or with a partner/partners). The first step to doing that is getting clear on what sex, sexuality, and pleasure mean to you. What does it mean to get to experience pleasure? What does it mean to be in your body, in this time, with someone else or by yourself?
If it feels good for you, try leaning into your sensuality. What makes you feel ooey-gooey? How can you treat yourself like the sensual being that you are? If you can get clear on this, try bringing it to a partner and notice how it feels for them to treat you in that way.
Sexual self-care on the spiritual level is all about connecting to something outside of you or bigger than you. This type of sexual self-care won't be for everyone, and that's okay. But if your sexuality, sensuality, and/or pleasure feels meaningful beyond the physical level, this kind of sexual self-care can help you tap in to and enhance that experience.
Why Sexual Self-Care is Important
Your sexual self requires care to operate at it’s best. If this is an area of your life that you want to thrive in, you need to care for it.
Importantly, there may be times where you don’t want to engage with your sexual self, for a multitude of reasons, and that is totally okay.
But when you do want to engage with your sexual self, practicing sexual self-care will help you to be more present for your pleasure, more grounded in yourself and in your body, and better able to discern your authentic sexuality so you can thrive.
If this resonates with you and you'd like to explore how to better care for your sexual self, I encourage you to reach out. Together, we can work on creating a safe and supportive space for you to nurture and understand this important part of your well-being. You can contact me via this contact form or at 608-291-6336.
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