Ashley Floyd, LMFT
*Let me preface this article by saying I use the term “queer” frequently throughout this article. In this context, I am using “queer” to mean any identity within the LGBTQ+ community.
I started questioning my sexuality in the 5th grade. I remember my 10-year-old heart racing as I told my mom, “I think I'm bisexual. I like boys and girls”. She assured me that it was normal to feel this way, that it didn't mean I was bisexual, and so I mentally filed my sexuality under “straight”. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t.
I found myself revisiting this idea in my early 20s. I asked myself, again, Am I bisexual? It was frustratingly hard to answer that question for awhile.
Why is it so difficult to understand your own identity?
Before we look at the question, "Am I queer?", let's look at why so many of us are asking that question in the first place. There are so many reasons why understanding your own sexual orientation and gender identity can be difficult.
Heteronormativity
For starters, we live in a heteronormative society. This, essentially, means that everyone is assumed straight and cisgender until stated otherwise. In my case, my attraction to women was interpreted as “normal” (read: heterosexual). It was seen, by myself and others, as merely an appreciation of women, rather than a romantic or sexual attraction toward them, despite my concrete assertion that “I like boys and girls”.
Also, living in a heteronormative society means that queer identities are often stigmatized, demeaned, or ridiculed. It can be difficult to know your own identity when parts of yourself are actively belittled or repressed out of fear of retribution.
Another reason heteronormativity makes it difficult to understand our own identities is the lack of education around queer identities. There are so many stories of people discovering the term “trans” or “non-binary” or “asexual” and feeling like, “Oh! That’s me! That makes so much sense!” Sex education is often limited in scope, if it’s provided at all, and rarely covers queer identities. Without the knowledge of LGBTQ+ identities, it can be hard to understand where you fit in.
Attraction
And then there is the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction, making things all the more complex. This ties in with the lack of education, as mentioned above, in that we often aren’t aware that attraction can come in different forms. It is totally possible to be sexually attracted, but not romantically attracted, to certain genders. A person who identifies as bisexual, for example, may be romantically and sexually attracted to women, but only sexually attracted to men.
It can be difficult to understand our identities when we're led to believe that attraction comes in one flavor, and that attraction fits into a very small number of patterns.
Fluidity
One more complication: our identities can be fluid. It is totally possible, and valid, for someone to identify as gay and then to later come out as bisexual. It is totally possible and valid for someone to come out as non-binary and later identify as trans. It is also totally possible and valid for our identities to change over time, in any direction, and even back again.
These are a few of the reasons that understanding our own identities can be challenging. These societal, educational, and cultural factors create a multitude of experiences, and not one of them is the same. If you are struggling to understand your sexual orientation and/or gender identity, you are not alone.
And now for the question you've been waiting for...
How do I know if I'm queer?
Some people just know. Despite all the points mentioned above, some people figure out their identity quickly and confidently and just *know*. But this is not everyone’s experience.
Importantly, it doesn’t make someone’s identity any less valid if they come out later in life or are in the process of discovery. It is okay to not be sure, and it is okay to explore this part of yourself cautiously, enthusiastically, openly, or secretly.
My answer to the question posed above will probably feel unsatisfactory. There are, unfortunately, no definitive decision-making trees that can tell you what your identity is. Rather, your identity is something for you to discover.
And, there are places to start that might help you answer this question. By examining your thoughts, feelings, and preferences, you can get a better picture of who you are as a whole.
Consider what type of gender presentation and/or gender identity makes you feel authentic and euphoric.
Consider the gender expressions, the gender identities, and/or the genitalia that you are attracted to.
Consider whether you feel attraction at all and, if so, under what circumstances. Attraction is subjective, so, if you experience attraction, it is important to learn what that attraction feels like for you.
Consider romantic and sexual attraction. Romantic and sexual attraction usually bring up different feelings. Consider the difference between the thought “I would have sex with that person” and the thought “I would cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with that person”, for example.
So, Am I Queer?
I wish I could tell you. I wish I had an easy, decision-making tree that I could present to you because I know how confusing and, at times, downright distressing it can be to not know the answer.
Unfortunately, I can't answer this question for you. But I hope the above starting points give you something to think about and chew on. And, if you've read this article diligently, maybe there's a reason for that?
Please know that if you are questioning your sexuality or gender identity, you are not alone. You are allowed to discover your identity at your own pace. You are not strange. You are deserving of respect. You are loved.
There are numerous reasons why it is difficult to understand our own identities and numerous ways we can begin self-exploration. Talking with an LGBTQ/allied therapist can help you begin to sort through your thoughts and feelings. If you are questioning your gender and/or sexuality, and would like to work through this in a therapeutic and confidential space, you can contact me to set up your free consultation. You can contact me via this contact form or at 608-291-6336.
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